Day 27: Feelings Show

I just noticed how many of my blog post titles are song lyrics. Huh.

So today, I'm gonna do something I don't usually do, and something I'm a bit unsure about, which is share my personal feelings to the internet. (Nothing personal in the where-I-live how-to-find-me kind of way, but personal in the telling-you-how-I-actually-feel kind of way.) It's scary for me, because I don't like to share these kinds of feelings for a few reasons.

1. People start to think you're saying them because you want attention, or you want people to feel bad for you, or you want people to tell you you're wrong.

This is not the purpose of this post, I promise you.

2. People get uncomfortable about the personal and serious mood of the blog.

If you don't want to read it because it makes you uncomfortable, by all means, don't. I just need to get my feelings out.

3. Other reasons I don't feel like listing.

So, here it goes.

Lately, I've been feeling pretty lonely. Like I'm not important enough or don't really matter enough, like my friends and family don't care about me as much as I do them, like everyone puts other people- their other friends, their boyfriends/girlfriends, etc.- before me all the time.

Just to clear things up, I am NOT saying that I should be the most important person to anybody.

It's just that lately, sometimes it seems like I am the LEAST important person to everybody. And it really makes me feel lonely sometimes. A lot more lately than ever.

I don't know what it is, how it came about, exactly when it started, or how long it's going to stay. But what I do know is that it's a really sucky, awful feeling.
I think I've cried more this week, out of sheer loneliness and feelings of worthlessness, than I usually do in a month.

To clear up another thing, I am not depressed. I promise. I'm happy a lot of the time.

It's just that when these thoughts and feelings DO sneak up on me, they're strong and powerful and quick, and they really hurt.

I don't much know how to fix them or how to negate them. It doesn't matter how many times people tell me it's not true, or that I am important, or that I'm overreacting, because deep down, I know they're right. I know I'm not worthless, I know I'm not unimportant to everyone. But that doesn't make the feelings go away when something's happened that makes me feel like I am. Knowing it's not true only does goes so far, it's BELIEVING all the time that it's not true that I need to learn to do. And I don't know how.

I guess it's really hard to explain correctly. I don't know if anyone will truly understand this unless they are going through it too, or have gone through it before.

I guess I've just got to wait it out, keep praying about it. Maybe it's just a phase. I'm not sure. But if anyone else has dealt with this before and knows how to make it go away, I'd appreciate some tips, if you have them.

Sorry for the serious, sad blog. I'll try to make tomorrow's funny.
(Although, I've inherited my father's sense of humor, so we'll see how that goes.)

Song of the Day: I'll Be There For You- The Rembrandts