Day 28: Working Through My (Spoiler-Free) Mockingjay Feelings

Since I'm going to be spending most of tonight packing like a maniac for move-in tomorrow, I think I'll write my blog now.

What I want to do is write about Mockingjay, as I've just finished it about an hour ago. But the thing is, I can't. I can't even form words or coherent thoughts about the book right now. I'm still so much in . . . shock, I guess. It affected me very powerfully and I'm not sure exactly why, although I've been trying to form theories. However, since I can't really express my thoughts and feelings about it, I thought I'd link you to someone who shares almost my exact feelings, and did a much better job than me of putting them into words.

Here's Kristina Horner's blog post about Mockingjay: http://italktosnakes.blogspot.com/2010/08/numb-no-spoilers.html

And here's the comment I left her on that post, which is pretty much the best the I could get out of me right now.

"You've pretty much just summed up almost all of my feelings about this book. I've just finished it too, and about halfway through I had to put it down and wasn't sure I could finish. I'm not sure why it affected me SO violently, but I spent at least half the book sobbing and the other half kind of in a half-reality; kind of numb, as you said. I'm still not fully here. It was only after I finished that I could really appreciate it, because while I was reading, it was just too difficult. I'm glad that you were able to put your feelings into words, because they're very similar to mine and I just couldn't get the words out."

Now, if you haven't read Mockingjay, I'm not going to spoil anything for you. What I will say is what I hoped someone would say to me the entire time I was reading, and what terrified me that no one said: Keep going. If you start it and it's hard to get through and you want to stop the way that I did (I know many people may have felt this way, although I'm not sure if anyone else had the incredibly insane reaction I had), don't give up. Even if it's hard, it's more rewarding to finish. You'll want to finish, or else you'll end at the bad and the difficult and won't get the resolution. The closure. (I hate that word and everything it implies, but I'm honestly not in any place to think of a better one right now.) The little bit of peace that keeps me now from sobbing again at the horrible things I felt while reading. The epilogue is honestly the one thing that fixed the book for me. Had it not been for the epilogue (and, honestly, the last chapter), I don't think I'd ever be able to read it again. I needed that ending to be able to appreciate the book. And if you don't finish and get to the ending, then you'll just be left with everything you couldn't handle about the book as your last memories of it, like I almost was, because no one made me feel like I would be alright if I finished. Everyone was highly secretive about what happened and if it ended well or not, which I appreciated, but not having anyone directly tell me "You need to finish it. You'll regret it if you don't" terrified me. It made me almost feel as if I SHOULD stop right there, because I wouldn't be able to handle the ending. Not hearing "It's going to be okay" made me feel as if it wouldn't. However, I kept reading, and although the ending (well, the whole book) was difficult, I'm glad I didn't stop.

When I was in the third chapter, I texted my friend Taylor saying that I hated the book so far because it was depressing. His response was that it was honest, and that was what was most important. When he said that, I couldn't have cared less about honesty- I wanted my happy ending. I wanted the excitement, the romance, the gripping suspense I had in the first two books and I didn't care what was honest, what was real or not real.

But now that I've finished, I've realized he was right. It may not have been at all like the first two books, but it had something the first two didn't: honesty, just as Taylor said. I felt that in this book, Suzanne Collins didn't concern herself with what people wanted to hear or what would make a good story or whether Katniss ended up with Gale or Peeta or nobody at all. She simply told the story truthfully. And while that made it extremely painful for me to read, it also makes me appreciate it a bit more now that I'm done.

I do have to say that I preferred the first two, I think because a lot of things in this one were so hard for me to bear. But this book was nothing short of amazing and honest and well-written and a fantastic end to the trilogy.

And also, I said I wasn't going to write about Mockingjay but I guess once I started, it all came spilling out.

So sorry for the super long post, but I guess I had some things I really needed to get out.

Song of the Day: Don't Let Your Enemies Become Friends- The Spill Canvas